today, i hate all of it

Today I am filled with a deep seated rage that I only seem to be able to let out in tears. 

I feel the pent up emotion in how my extremities shake when I try to stand or even just take a sip of my coffee.

Yesterday I tackled the maintenance of the back yard at home.  I got it 3/4s of the way mowed, the garden weeded and even moved all of the lawn furniture and other junk around to weedwhack.  Today, when I look at it I’m just disgusted. 

I’m left with two businesses to run, 4 houses to maintain (and the yards that go with them), and the stuff of everyday life, feeding our pets, running the vacuum, getting the mail,  while my husband does god knows what, god know where, with god knows whom. 

I feel sorta, ‘poor little rich girl’ to complain about it.  But the reality is we aren’t, and weren’t rich, we just made really good choices for a really long time to be able to do what we’ve done. 

And now, I’m left to make those really good choices on my own and it’s not fair. 

Correction, it’s actually just mean.  This has nothing to do with fair.  Jeremy made a conscience choice to abandon our life, knowing full well that I would keep it spinning.  That’s mean. 

Saying he wants a divorce (though only when I specifically asked him, and then only via a head nod) and then hiding so it can’t be done is mean. 

It’s more than mean.  It’s selfish, disrespectful, hateful, cowardly, cruel and pathetic (plus so many more words). 

Today, I want to yell, hit things, break things, ruin some one’s day like my life feels ruined.  But I won’t. 

I’ll mow the front yard, update the In The Sticks Cabins facebook page header image in preparation of spring being over (it should feel symbolic right, a new season, a chance for something new.  It doesn’t.  It feels infuriating, degrading, and sad) and just keep moving. 

But today, I hate all of it.